I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
