Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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