Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
