I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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