question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
