What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
