Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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