Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize