every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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