We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
