Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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