mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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