Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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