You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
