I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
where are you?
Hypothermia
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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