Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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