Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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