so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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