who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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