I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two words: blizzard sex
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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