it's too hot outside to masturbate.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
