i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
