It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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