It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
