saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
