im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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