the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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