we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
