Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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