wakey wakey hands off snakey
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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