words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
