my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Drunk is not a location!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
