i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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