i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
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just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum