You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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