I am midnight drunk by noon
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
