oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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