Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
