i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
