I puked a lego.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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