Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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