New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
