Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
