I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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