Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
