i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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