Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
