I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
