Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
