Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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