Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
