I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
now i know why i became what i already was.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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