There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't deserve a penis
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
