I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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