I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
