The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
